I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
