You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
