Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
