I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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