Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
