So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
