New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
