I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
