My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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