Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
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Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
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Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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