things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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