He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
