I'm lost and stupid without you.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
