I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
