watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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