Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
