You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
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What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
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I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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