She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
