highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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