The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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