I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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