Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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