**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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