the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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