Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
