dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
