Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
