She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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