Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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