can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
