I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
