Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
