Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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