I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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