either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
