the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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