watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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