When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
