If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
