never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I supernannyed him into submission
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