He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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