My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Randomize
