There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
