We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
