I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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