went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
