from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize