pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
