Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
