You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
