There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
