Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
