I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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