I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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