Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
