i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
