I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
