I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize